Lonely... but not alone

Many of us suffer from it during these difficult times, loneliness. We can't see our friends and family as often as we would like; tutorials, lectures and work are almost entirely online, group exercise and team sports are banned and a beer in the pub isn’t possible. Basically, we miss our normal social interaction. But what exactly is loneliness, and more importantly, what can we do about it? Suzanne van Bronswijk, psychiatrist at MUMC+ and assistant professor at FPN, can tell us something about it: ‘Loneliness is a subjective experience. Even if those around you see you as a social person with many friends, you can still feel lonely. It is often not about the number of friends you have, but about the quality of your social relationships. You're lonely when you feel you're lonely. It’s not something anyone else can decide for you.’

Recent studies, including from Caring Universities, show that loneliness, depression and anxiety among young people have increased during the pandemic. Suzanne van Bronswijk also hears this in conversations with her students: ‘Fortunately, contact with students via Zoom can be done well. Students are often very open and aren’t afraid to be vulnerable online. In teaching sessions, I regularly ask the whole group about their experiences nowadays. We all have to give up something and deal with the consequences. How do they experience that? Sometimes I hear that they are less motivated and suffer from feelings of depression and anxiety. At the end of an online teaching session, I often stay online for students who want to talk a bit longer. Sometimes only for five minutes, but it's enough; and students regularly take advantage of the opportunity. If a student is absent from an online session, I send a personal email: You weren't there today, why not? Will you be there next time? This is a way I can stay engaged with them, even in this difficult time when I can't meet them in person.’

There are several risk factors which can be identified, and often there is a combination of these factors. A few examples: 

• A limited social network
  Good social contacts reduce loneliness. But remember the more contacts the better does not apply to loneliness. If you have good contact with just four or five people, that probably can help protect you from loneliness.
• An important social relationship has been lost
  You lost your partner, one of your parents died, or you moved to a new city to study and left your old life behind. Such experiences can increase the likelihood of loneliness.
• Personal characteristics
  You don’t have strong social skills, you have a negative self-image and low self-confidence, or you experience feelings of social anxiety and are very shy.

There are various methods to combat loneliness. One is to improve a person’s social skills. Other ways are to increase people’s social networks and provide opportunities for social interaction, for example by organising events. There are also techniques are aimed at combating unhelpful thoughts. What are those? Van Bronswijk:  ‘Unhelpful thoughts are related to social situations. When you have unhelpful thoughts, you often see the social world as threatening and you have a more negative view of others. These negative expectations cause you to behave more negatively towards others. As a result, you inadvertently push away the others you so badly need. This will eventually make you see yourself as a victim of your social life, rather than an active player in social interaction. You then find yourself in a negative circle that is hard to break out of. For example, unhelpful thoughts about others can be triggered by seeing bad things on the news or when you can't get a hold of a friend. Examples of negative thoughts about others are: people cannot be trusted, everyone always abandons me, or they are always together and I am always alone. Try to use positive thoughts to counteract negative ones, limit contact with things that trigger negative thinking. If you have trouble doing that on your own, talk to someone.’

Want to read more about loneliness? Or looking for tips and advice on how to tackle loneliness? Here you can read more about (social) activities that are still possible or find initiatives that can offer a listening ear.